Good Vibrations Magazine

It seems logical to celebrate National Masturbation Month solo — give yourself a hand, right? Whether you bang the bishop, toss the pink salad, or fire the Surgeon General, masturbation is something you can enjoy whether or not you have a partner — a solitary pleasure that can help you get in touch with how much pleasure there is in solitude. Most people probably think “solo” when they think “masturbation” (or, to borrow masturbation experts Betty Dodson’s and Harold Litten’s terms, “selfloving” or “solo sex” — see their books Sex for One and The Joy of Solo Sex). But really, masturbation is so much fun, why not do it with someone you love?

My whole understanding of sexuality changed with my first Jack-and-Jill-Off Party, a (lamentably no longer active) group sex gathering that emphasized masturbation. Not only was it an excellent safer sex strategy to adopt in the late 1980s, a decade in which sex, especially casual group sex, had become frightening — it was also an amazing gathering of people bringing what was usually done alone out into the light. The Jack-and-Jill-Offs were an outgrowth of the Jacks — a group of men who got together weekly (they still do) for convivial JO parties. When a couple of curious, adventurous women asked if they could come to a Jacks meeting, the answer was “No — but maybe this calls for a new kind of party.” The JJOs are still missed here in San Francisco — nothing else in the sex community quite fills the space they left.

Of course, it’s possible to find just one person to share masturbation with — as long as you have a little money. The peep show scene in San Francisco (and many other parts of the country) lets you “talk (and wank) with a real live nude girl” — and there are even a few places where you can do it with a real live nude guy. My peep show alma mater is the Lusty Lady — working there gave me the idea to write my book Exhibitionism for the Shy (and provided the title for Real Live Nude Girl, which includes essays on the Lusty Lady as well as the JJOs).

In the talk booth, aka Private Pleasures, the customer can clearly see and speak to the peep show worker, though they’re separated by a pane of glass, so no physical contact is possible. It’s a solo sex experience enlivened by voyeurism and exhibitionism. I thought my sexology training had given me a good sense of the range of fantasies and masturbation styles engaged in by American men, till I worked at the LL — what an education! Work-study, if you will. While some women who work at the peeps are just going through the motions, others find it a fascinating and sometimes exciting atmosphere. If you decide to explore it yourself, remember — be pleasant, and tip! It’s an adventure, sure, but it’s also a job. (A photo-essay book has just been released about the LL called The Lusty Lady; I’m reviewing it for Good Vibes now.)

Many people have absolutely no interest in exploring casual sex, paid or not, and I’m not suggesting you should. For many, the place for sexual exploration is in a relationship — and if you’ve kept masturbation and partnered sex separate, you’ve missed a truly intimate and exciting possibility. Not only do you get a sense of the kind of touch, stroke, speed, etc., that most pleases your partner (and show him or her your own), you also get and give your own private erotic performance and share what is usually a private act. Though the idea may be scary, isn’t it also alluring? Partnered masturbation means you can enjoy erotic videos together without keeping your hands out of your pants; it lets you have an erotic experience together when only one of you feels randy, because you can hold each other and one can encourage and be present with the other while s/he masturbates. Sex therapists suggest this strategy as a way to maintain sexual intimacy and connection when one partner is tired, ill, or just not interested.

This is not to say that in a relationship you should have no private time. There’ll always be a place for solo play, a basic building block of self-love and self-pleasure. But masturbating together is its own reward — if you don’t do it already, why don’t you celebrate National Masturbation Month that way? I bet it’ll change your sex life.

Other masturbation resources:

Books:
For Yourself
Becoming Orgasmic
More Joy of Solo Sex
I Am My Lover

Videos:
Carol Queen’s Great Vibrations: An Explicit Consumer Tour of Vibrators
Betty Dodson’s Selfloving and Celebrating Orgasm
Evolutionary Masturbation
Sex: Love and Aging
Masturbation Memoirs
I Touch Myself